I have been pretty frustrated with myself lately.
For a long time, this blog served well as an outlet for me. I could express myself here and send my thoughts out into cyberspace, not really caring if anybody ever read them. But for a while now, I've been wanting to share more. I want to talk to an actual person who is really listening and trying to understand. But I can't quite do it. There have been so many times when I told myself, "Go release some of the pressure that is building up in that head of yours while building stronger connections with these people you like and care about." And then when I am in a position to start talking, I just can't make myself open my mouth. The more I want to, the less I am able to.
Adding to the trouble, somewhere it got into my head that if someone is interested in my thoughts or opinions or activities, they will ask about it. So I don't say much about them because I don't want to bore some uninterested person. But I figure if someone else wants me to know about their thoughts or opinions or activities, they will tell me without me needing to ask. I know that if I make these assumptions, chances are I will have very little actual communication, but there you are.
I've been doing more writing than usual in an effort to release some of the stuff up in my head pressing to come out. I've written down a lot of various things I think and sort of want to say, but never actually do. And I've been posting more on this blog, and I feel like these posts have been longer and not as tightly structured as my earlier ones. I'm not sure how that relates, but I thought I'd throw it in there.
Also, very recently, my desire for anonymity has completely evaporated. On March 22, I couldn't see a point when I'd want to be open about my identity on here. I had up until that point carefully limited potentially identifying information, even avoiding mentioning names of anybody I knew. Then, on April 4, I used my friend Beth's name in a post without thinking about it. When I realized, I thought about editing to change the post, but decided I really didn't care. And this Wednesday, I used my sisters' real names. I did that one on purpose. And then I decided to use my actual name to sign blog posts. Now, I don't care at all about revealing my identity.
This is Marissa J. Howes. And I really want to be open now. But I think I'll need a little help.
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2 comments:
From personal experience, I know that simply waiting for someone to inquire after your thoughts and feelings doesn't always happen. If something's on your mind, you need to be open about it. Go up to whomever you want to talk about and say "Can I talk to you about something?" or "Do you have any advice about...?"
It's really easy to be content assuming that someone *else* will be the inquisitive communicator. We all make that assumption. Unfortunately, charity requires a bit more open engagement than that. ^_~
Yeah. I know. As soon as I realized what I was thinking, I saw the flaws. Unfortunately, I didn't realize I was operating on those assumptions for a while, which I think means it's a hard one to overcome. Because I think the things you don't realize you think tend to be the most internalized.
But I know I can work on an individual basis and realize that this person is usually interested, so I'll talk to him/her even when they don't ask.
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