A Friend In Deed

They say a friend in need is a friend indeed. I've always taken that to mean that your real friends are the ones who will help you and stand by your side when you're going through major trials. But there is at least one person who I know would be there for me if I were in serious trouble but isn't when I'm just a bit bored or lonely or find something amusing I want to share, and I'm not sure that his availability during the times of need is enough to make him a friend without the rest. But maybe the saying is including all the needs friendship is meant to meet, in which case he doesn't meet the test. But then I'm not sure any one person could.

Before writing this out I wanted to make sure I had the saying right. So I googled "A friend in need is a friend in deed" to see if that brought up any results and found this site that says the evidence suggests the original meaning was that during trying times a true friend will prove his friendship by his deeds. So the in deed spelling probably is right but is less popular these days. Either way, the basic idea is the same. And either way the question remains - is this person I'm thinking of really my friend, when his deeds right now aren't very companionate but he would step up and do the good deeds if I were in crisis?

Social Hierarchy

I've read in several different places that boys' relationships are built largely around hierarchy; when a group of boys first gets together, they quickly establish a pecking order. I don't completely understand it, mainly because I have trouble wrapping my head around how you can have a true friendship if you are always aware that one of you has a higher standing than the other. But I figure I don't really need to understand it. That's not the way I see my friends so I don't have to be able to reconcile it.

But I do wonder: when I was in elementary school, playing sports with the boys at recess or being the only girl at Randal's birthday party, did I have a position in the social hierarchy that was understood by everybody but me?

Friendly Dilemma

One of the regular posters on a message board I sometimes visit (I will call her Cat) was talking about a girl she used to be friends with but has grown away from. This other girl still feels very close to Cat and tries to keep the connection strong, including trying to get together with her in person frequently. But Cat is busy and does not particularly want to hang out with her old friend, but doesn't want to hurt her feelings by saying so.

When I read this, I worried about whether I am being the other girl in any of my relationships, annoying someone who I think really does appreciate my friendship but is really just trying to figure out how to get me to leave them alone.

Later that day, one of my friends said something about how she sometimes feels unwanted by her friends. I've felt that way too, especially when it seems like nobody has put in any effort to contact me for a while. And I don't want any of my friends to feel like I don't still care about them or want them in my life. The best way I can think of to keep them from feeling this way is by reaching out to them, calling or texting or writing.

But if they don't want to still be my friend, I don't want to be the annoying former friend who won't leave them alone.

So how do you tell which friends really want your friendship and which would rather you just move on with your life without them but are too polite to say anything? Especially when the friendship is long distance.