And A Random Question

As I was going to sleep last night, my thoughts briefly turned to tithing. And I wondered why it is that we pay 10%. A lot of numbers of things in church have some sort of symbolic meaning: 3 and 12 are the most common, but I think 7 comes in there, too. But why ten? The only reason I can think for that particular number is that it makes figuring out how much to pay pretty easy using our numbering system.

On Writing

The writing process is funny. Sometimes I sit down knowing what I want to say, and it all flows out very smoothly. Sometimes I sit with no idea what I want to say, and somehow something comes out that makes perfect sense. Sometimes I know what I want to say, and it comes out, but in the middle of what I had planned to write are some thoughts I hadn't known I had. But sometimes, I sit down to write, knowing exactly what I want to express, but it just won't come. I sit like a stump for a while, then go for a drink. Sit down again and type out a few lines, only to delete them less than a minute later. Stare at the screen for a while longer. Then eventually I manage to get something written that more or less expresses what I had in mind and decide that has to be good enough.

That last scenario is what happened with my last post. I first had the idea to try writing it over two years ago, but couldn't get it right. Then I decided to try again last Tuesday and spent a week trying to figure out how to go about writing it and how to best express my experiences. And now, what I have will have to be good enough, even though it isn't quite what I wanted it to be.

For this post, however, I decided what to say, sat down, and said it.

Highs and Lows (Mostly Lows)

When I was a kid of about ten years old, I read a memoir written by an autistic woman. I don't think I had even heard of autism at the time, but I found it interesting to read an account of a way of seeing the world and a view of thought processes very different from my own. Since then, I have realized that occasionally I get the chance to see the world in a way that many of you have not experienced. So I thought I'd try to share my experiences with you.

As a diabetic, it is important for me to keep my diet, exercise, and insulin balanced. Of course, this is important for everybody, but the effects tend to show more immediately for me if I mess up. I'm normally pretty good at recognizing the signs when my blood sugar levels get out of control. When they're a bit low, for example, there's this certain sort of shaky feeling. I'm having a hard time thinking of a more precise way to describe it, but I know what it feels like, and that's what matters. You may have felt this yourself. Then, when I've identified the problem, I can fix it- in the case of low blood sugar, I grab something to eat.

But once in a while, I don't manage to fix it right away, and my blood sugar continues to drop until it gets dangerously low- enough to majorly impact my thinking. It doesn't happen very often, especially since I started using a new type of insulin in my late teens. But it has happened often enough for me to tell about it.

When blood sugar drops, the heart starts beating faster so more sugar can go to the brain. When I am seriously low, there is still not enough sugar for the brain to function fully. So all of its resources and all of my attention are dedicated to getting food. If whatever I am doing will help me get some sugar into my bloodstream, in an honest and legal way, then I can manage it. But anything that will not contribute to the goal is disregarded. An illustration- during junior high, I once got really low during biology class. So I wrote a note excusing me to go to the counseling center, where I had some juice stored for this sort of situation, and had the teacher sign it. Later on, one of the secretaries mentioned that when the straw poked through the foil on the top of the juice carton, a drop fell on my leg. She said that I hadn't noticed, but this was not the case. I noticed, but it was irrelevant, so I did not react in any way. I also later looked at the note I had written. The handwriting was a bit different from my usual, and I had used the word "the" twice in a row, but it was legible and sensible. I was a little impressed.

Another thing that impresses me when my blood sugar levels drop is my handling of money. I have been in situations where I have counted my money, looked over the options and prices, and taken taxes into account before making my selection. And I have never chosen something that cost more than I had, even by a few cents. At least, not while my blood sugar was low.

But there is one dining situation that is a bit beyond me- choosing something off a menu. The problem? My script for that situation involves reading the description of every menu item that grabs my attention, and that gives me a bit more information than I can fully process in the situation. But I can't think clearly enough to just go off-script. And remember the part about how as much sugar is rushed to the brain as is possible? Well, that means that less goes to other parts of the body. Including the eyes. So I have a hard time focusing, which means I have a hard time reading. So the more reading I have to do, the harder it is. Related to that, I sometimes have a hard time walking. I can usually do it, but can't go in a straight line. And a couple times, I did have a little trouble balancing for a short while. And apparently I've still got some pride going on in there, because when that happened, I worried that I looked like a drunk.

One strange thing related to severe lows is that sometimes, they seem to fix themselves very suddenly. One minute I'm 100% focused on getting carbs into me. The next, I am aware of things going on outside of my immediate environment and I realize the strangeness of my recent behavior. Some examples of my first thoughts after the retreat of my brain fogginess during high school are, "Seriously? I loaded up on salsa packets?" (Thought process- get sugar, get food, salsa is food) and "I really should have told Sam what was going on" (I already had the food I needed, and explanations take effort. And pride might have had something to do with it as well.).

Now, after all of that, I have one request. If you ever notice me acting way out of it, try offering me some juice or a snack. I might need it.

Not-So-Icky-Gooey Love Stuff

A couple thoughts:

1. One evening in institute last fall, the class got into one of those "what do you look for in the other sex?" discussions. While this was going on, I was finally able to put into words the conclusion that I have drawn from the many similar panels/discussions I have been present for. And that is that if you live so that you like and respect yourself, there will be someone else out there who will appreciate you for who you are.

2. I've heard it many times before: a woman says that her husband is a better person than she is. And then the husband responds by saying she thinks he is better than he actually is, and that he tries to be a better person to live up to what she thinks he already is. Or maybe it's the husband saying that he married way above himself, and the wife saying that he underestimates how wonderful he really is. And in thinking about this, I remembered that when we were discussing A Separate Peace in 10th grade English, the point came up that since we see Finny only through Gene's eyes, but we see all that Gene is thinking, we really see more of Gene's dark side than we do of Finny's. But Finny also has his dark thoughts; we just don't see them. We get the view of his good side, but not those things he represses. And then I thought about how we can't really judge anybody completely objectively, ourselves or others.

Forgettable

I recently moved away from where I'd been living for about two years. When I left, several people made the appropriate noises about how they were sorry to see me go, and I believed them. I said I'd be back to visit occasionally, possible even within the week.

As it turns out, I didn't make it back that quickly. And I didn't make it back the next week, either. I did want to see my friends, but the logistics were a little bit complicated. And as the time went by, my motivation decreased, because nobody said anything about it. So I thought probably nobody really cared.

Something similar happened last fall. I had several friends who I was in the habit of visiting on a daily basis - with their encouragement. Then one day I didn't want to see anyone. So I stayed home. Which would have been fine, but that mood continued on for a week. And during that time, nobody said or did anything. No phone calls, no texts, no facebook messages, no knocks on the door from anybody. When I told myself I needed to get out and see people again, they mentioned having noticed I wasn't around. But I couldn't help but wonder how it was that someone can go from visiting daily, usually for pretty significant chunks of time, to nothing for an entire week, and nobody thought to check if something was wrong. After this, I made it a point to at least drop by somebody's place at least a couple times a week, but not nearly as much as I'd used to. And the decrease was noticed and commented on, and I was told I should come by more. But only when I came by. When I wasn't there, there was no contact.

Now I get on facebook and see various people posting comments and links on other friends' walls, while I get none of that. I used to think that I'd get more social notice if I gave more. But then I started trying. I wrote letters and got no response. I called people, and they never reciprocated. And if I come across something that reminds me of a specific person, I tell them about it or post it to their wall. About half the time, I get a response to what I say. The other half of the time, I get silence. No indication if they liked, hated, or even saw what I said.

But what really bothers me is that I often feel I'm the only person initiating contact. The only times I remember getting anything posted on my wall from someone not in my immediate family and not in response to something I said were on my birthday, inspired I'm sure by the birthday notifications on the side of the screen. Nobody has texted me spontaneously since the day I moved. And I can't even remember the last time a friend called me.

Yes, I do appreciate the welcome I get when I make an effort. But is it too much to ask to be remembered by someone when I'm not standing right in front of their face?