The Song of My Heart

I like to sing. And I'm pretty good at it. I also like to perform - there is just something invigorating about being in front of a large crowd, all focused on me. Assuming I'm prepared and it's not largely made up of people whose opinions particularly matter to me. Otherwise I'm more likely to become a nervous wreck.

So, of course, choir was a natural fit for me, and I have performed in several of them. Women's Choir in junior high. Women's Chorus, Junior Choir, State Honor Choir, and Concert Choir in high school. Various ward choirs. Once or twice, I sang with the Choral Arts Society of Utah for the Days of '47 Sunrise Service (Mom, was that just once? Do you remember?). And I probably would have tried to be in a university choir if I had gone to a different college, but I was not willing to compete for the U in anything. Which left me feeling slightly guilty when the Rivalry Week food drive came around. But I digress.

These days, I mostly sing alone. Sometimes I'll sing along with a song playing on the radio, or sing some song stuck in my head, or I'll join in with a group who is singing various popular songs for fun. But when I am in private and sing for the sheer joy of singing, I usually don't sing rock or pop. When I sing for fun, by myself, I usually stick with church music or things I learned for one choir or another. Maybe they fit better my preferred style of singing. Maybe they are more tied to other occasions of losing myself in music. Or maybe they resonate more within my soul.

A Sad Non-Cycle

I feel like I've been posting a lot of stuff about me, which is not necessarily what I want this blog to be about. I want to examine various subjects, not spend all my time focusing on me. But this is the first thing that I've had any desire to write about for a while.

I've noticed that I draw a lot of my energy and excitement from the people I am with. I am a people person. Yes, I am shy, but I am a people person all the same. I need a lot of human contact. And I have apparently been this way for my whole life- I seem to remember hearing that as soon as I was mobile, I would go to where the people were. And if you put me in a group of people, I rarely get very tired before everybody else has left.

That's all well and good. But I seem to need to feed off of other people's excitement to express any myself. If I walk into a room super excited about something and start to talk about it, I sometimes sound slightly bored about it, even though I'm not. It isn't until someone shows some interest that I really get into the telling of it. And if I try to put some excitement into my voice, it is forced and it sounds that way.

This can be a problem, considering that other people tend to like to listen better and get more involved when the speaker is excited. And since I start off sounding bored, I can't always get someone else to feed my energy so I can show my excitement. So we are both disappointed in the conversation. Which is a rather sad non-cycle to get into.

My Self

In my last post, I joked that maybe I don't have a sense of self. Well, I've been thinking about that lately, and maybe it's true.

Well, not really. The major example of a person with no sense of self I can think of is Julia Roberts' character in Runaway Bride. She really has no clue of who she is and what she likes. Her personality and interests change completely with each new man in her life.

Well, I do stay somewhat consistent. New people introduce me to new interests. But when I find something I like, I keep liking it. And if I dislike something, I know. And my personality stays about the same, with some variations depending on what life is throwing at me. If something just isn't me, I know it. I just can't tell you why. And when I try to think of what my strengths and weaknesses are, and what type of job I'd be happy in, I come up with nothing. I don't know why I do so many of the things I do. I've thought about that a bit lately, and I remembered that when I took my first psychology classes, I was sort of hoping they could help me understand myself better. But they didn't really.

I wonder if studying Erikson a bit more would help me any. According to him, I should be close to resolving my Identity vs. Role Confusion crisis and starting in on Intimacy vs. Isolation. Which has been a definite source of stress in the past little while...

Pretend This Title Is Clever And Relevant

I have been pretty frustrated with myself lately.

For a long time, this blog served well as an outlet for me. I could express myself here and send my thoughts out into cyberspace, not really caring if anybody ever read them. But for a while now, I've been wanting to share more. I want to talk to an actual person who is really listening and trying to understand. But I can't quite do it. There have been so many times when I told myself, "Go release some of the pressure that is building up in that head of yours while building stronger connections with these people you like and care about." And then when I am in a position to start talking, I just can't make myself open my mouth. The more I want to, the less I am able to.

Adding to the trouble, somewhere it got into my head that if someone is interested in my thoughts or opinions or activities, they will ask about it. So I don't say much about them because I don't want to bore some uninterested person. But I figure if someone else wants me to know about their thoughts or opinions or activities, they will tell me without me needing to ask. I know that if I make these assumptions, chances are I will have very little actual communication, but there you are.

I've been doing more writing than usual in an effort to release some of the stuff up in my head pressing to come out. I've written down a lot of various things I think and sort of want to say, but never actually do. And I've been posting more on this blog, and I feel like these posts have been longer and not as tightly structured as my earlier ones. I'm not sure how that relates, but I thought I'd throw it in there.

Also, very recently, my desire for anonymity has completely evaporated. On March 22, I couldn't see a point when I'd want to be open about my identity on here. I had up until that point carefully limited potentially identifying information, even avoiding mentioning names of anybody I knew. Then, on April 4, I used my friend Beth's name in a post without thinking about it. When I realized, I thought about editing to change the post, but decided I really didn't care. And this Wednesday, I used my sisters' real names. I did that one on purpose. And then I decided to use my actual name to sign blog posts. Now, I don't care at all about revealing my identity.

This is Marissa J. Howes. And I really want to be open now. But I think I'll need a little help.

Testimony

One or two years ago, I came across a poll in the Bloggernacle with the question, "If you were not Mormon, what would you be?"

There is a slight flaw in the way the question is asked, though. If I had never been a member, I would probably choose some traditional Christian religion- I'm not sure whether I would go Catholic, Orthodox, or Protestant. First choice would likely be whatever I was raised in, of course. But if I was raised without a religion, how am I to know what would be most attractive to me? After all, the church has been in the center of my life so far. Raised with a different center, who can say what I'd be?

But if I were asked what I would become after leaving the church, I probably would have answered atheist. My thinking at the time was that if I left the church, it would probably be because I discovered some sort of false doctrine. And if one piece turned out to be false, then why should I believe anything I've been told? Especially since the pieces all fit together.

Now, I'm not so sure that is true. I've been reflecting on my testimony, and I realized that while I have on occasion questioned what would happen if we were wrong about the Book of Mormon or the prophets, I have never questioned what if God did not exist. No matter how hard the trial, I never doubted that He is there and He loves me and He has a plan and through Him, things will work out. The logical side of my brain says that just because I've never had a flicker of doubt before does not mean that it will never come. But I really can't imagine doubting anything I know with such certainty to my center. So atheism no longer looks likely for a discontented me.

I used to think that my testimony started when I was eleven years old. I had finished reading through the Book of Mormon for the first time, and so I knelt down and prayed about it, as I had been told to do. And I got an answer, as I knew I would.

Well, I recently realized that the fact I knew that I would receive an answer says that my testimony was already there. But it was most definitely strengthened that day.

Additional Information

To clarify:

When I said I look forward to the day when some man does something sweet for me, I am not at all talking about spending a lot of money for me. I would like flowers, but don't demand them. Chocolates would also be nice, but I don't usually like a lot of candy. And if he spends too much money, I'll get worried about his spending habits and ability to stick to a budget. What I want is evidence that he has been thinking of me.

And about the opening up thing. I've always been sensitive. I feel things. I hurt. I cry. And I did that a lot when I was younger. But at some point in the past, I decided this was a problem, so I started building up walls to protect my heart. Because I don't like to get hurt.

Yeah, I know, that's just crazy. Who doesn't want to be hurt?

Anyway, I tried to make it harder for me to get hurt, and if I did get hurt, hard for people to tell. Which sort of goes along with the letting people in thing- if I don't let them in, it doesn't hurt as much if they do hurt me. And if I don't give myself away, it's harder for someone to know enough of me to hurt me.

Holiday Blahs

For the first time in my life, I am not looking forward to Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day has been my favorite holiday for a few years. I think of it as mostly a friendship appreciation day, and it has always bothered me to hear others refer to it as Singles Awareness Day. After all, we celebrated in elementary school by giving cards and decorating cookies and the like, and it had nothing to do with romance. And through high school, my friends and I exchanged cards and cookies with each other. Same with my family- my mom and sisters and I gave out cards and candy to each other as an expression of our love. Even seeing all the boys getting things for their girlfriends never bothered me. If anything, it made me look forward to the day when some man would be doing something sweet for me.

But this year, I just don't care. It's not really bitterness. I still don't like the Singles Awareness Day thing. Although I won't deny the possibility that a tiny amount of regret or disappointment is lurking in there somewhere. I just am not at all excited. The same thing happened for Christmas last year. I never wanted to go shopping for presents, I didn't care about my own, and I did not at any point feel the Christmas spirit. I guess I'm just having an off year for holidays.

Introspection

This post has potential spoilers of the itty-bitty kind for A Separate Peace and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

Approaching Perfection

I am obviously not perfect. After all, I said I would have posted again by yesterday, and I didn't. But I do believe in trying to become perfect. It's sort of part of my religion.

In one family night last year, Dad was talking about how we can progress without getting overwhelmed by that we are supposed to do and become. His suggestion, which I had heard many times before, was to choose one or two trouble areas to focus on at a time.

A couple weeks later, during a Relief Society lesson, we were reading and listing qualities Paul said we should have as Saints. I thought ours looked something like a to-do list, and joked about going through the day, checking things off as we were kind or had minds single to the glory of Christ throughout the day- impossible, as these are supposed to be continual qualities, not events.

But then I thought that it could work in a way.

So a couple times since then, I have made checklists. I pick a couple areas to focus on and break them down into ways to accomplish the goals, with the intention of reviewing my performance at the end of the day. That way, I would have regular reminders of what I am trying to do and regular self-evaluation. So far, I have not kept it up more than a couple of days at a time. But I still think there is some value in the idea. Maybe on my next chart, I should make a space for following through with my goals.

Biting My Tongue

There are a couple things that I really want to say, but never do.

The first one is "I love ___".
Thing is, I don't love ___. I just really like the way the words feel in my head. But since I'm not really in love, I don't say it.

The second is "I quit".
Those words have such a nice sense of finality to them, and are a great way to let off the frustration that comes with my job. But I keep them in my head, just to make sure nobody takes me seriously and I end up leaving a job I still need.

Dead Dreams

Spoiler alert for In The Good Old Summertime.

I Resolve

I just noticed the word solve is in Resolve. Sometime I'll have to think of something profound to say about that.

I didn't want to make a resolutions post too close to the new year, because I'm sure everybody does that and I like to be a little bit different. But I don't want to put it off much longer.

My philosophy of new years resolutions is a bit mixed. Setting goals is good. I like goals. And the new year is a natural time to think about doing that, because of the fresh start and clean slate and all that stuff. An unsullied year to fill up with better things than last year. But our culture has just about accepted a new year resolution as something that will be broken, and probably within the month. Well, I would rather not set any goals if they are just doomed to failure. Unless it's a goal to gain 10 pounds this year. That's something to think about next year...

So, I don't really set new years resolutions. But I do often set goals that coincide with the new year. After all, with so many people thinking about what to do better next year, it is hard to avoid thinking about it myself. But if I never come up with something, I don't worry about it. And, besides renaming the thing, I have one other method of keeping myself from breaking my "resolutions" immediately: I make them more flexible. Instead of setting a goal to go running for a half hour twice a week, I decide where I want to be by the end of the year. That way, I won't miss two weeks in January and be done for the rest of the year. After all, I have 11 more months to work on it.

I did think of a couple things to work on this year during the last couple days of December. My official New Year's Goal is to get in the habit of writing in my journal at least once a week. And during the first week of January, I also decided to work on learning to play my guitar. Hey, I have the instrument. I really ought to be able to have fun with the thing.

NaNo Update and Other Fun Stuff

Well, things are going fairly well in Nanoland for me. I have a main plot, about three subplots, and a good feeling for several of my characters. For someone who started with two stick characters on November 1st, this is pretty encouraging. And as of this second, I have written 7,779 words and am about halfway through today's minimum count.

I guess I never mentioned my birthday. It wasn't terribly exciting, to be honest. So maybe it should stay unmentioned.

I haven't been getting as many hours at work as I used to. We are only allowed 1,040 hours in one year, and I think my hour cutdown has to do with me approaching my limit. I don't know whether I'm sad or glad about this development.

I recently downloaded the Yahoo! instant messanger to my laptop. I have a whole four people in my contacts, only one of whom I actually IM. Maybe someday I'll add some more.

Yeah, so that was a very boring post. Sorry. I thought I had more going on in my life.