Dating

I have no desire to date.

I know I should date. At least, that's what we've been told many times. Go look for an eternal companion. And do that by dating regularly. Don't just hang out. Make the boys take you on dates. Stop feeding them and being available to them for casual hanging out. And so on.

But really, I would much rather just hang out. It's more fun- at least, in my experience. Of course, this may be because of the high proportion of blind dates I've been on. When I was on those blind dates, I usually managed to have a good time. But it would have been just as fun, or maybe more fun, without him. Of course, when I was with a guy I knew and wanted to be with, who wanted to be with me, I did have a good time.

But in general, hanging out is more enjoyable for me. You get to know each other doing different activities and see each other interacting with other people. And dating piles on more expectation, which leads to more stress.

And with dating, I just don't see the point in going out just to go out. I used to like the idea of going on a date just for fun, but somehow, that is no longer appealing to me. I can have just as much or more fun with a large group of friends, and I can be gratified enough to know that they want to spend time with me.

I recently learned that there are girls around here, including at least one of my friends, who don't necessarily like the boys who are their boyfriends. They just go along with it. And I really don't understand that. It seems unfair to both of you. And I can't understand why they would want to be cuddling and kissing with someone they don't have strong feelings for. The very thought is repugnant to me. For me, the physical and the emotional and the relational are all very much connected.

But back to my original topic. If some boy asked me on a date, I would probably accept. After all, I am supposed to be dating. And I would go through all the motions of figuring out what to wear and how to do my hair and makeup and so on. But I would not be at all excited. And I would try to give him a chance, but I don't know how successful I would be. And with me going in with a poor attitude, chances are good that neither of us would have a great time, so nothing would come of it. And I could have spent that time in some other manner. Maybe productive, maybe not. But even just wandering around on the catwalks for a couple hours sounds more appealing. And it has been that way for several months now.

Dixie

A long time ago I read a book called The Mother Tongue by Bill Bryson. It was an interesting read about the development of the English language.

But at one point, he mentions the Dixie accent in Utah. And he says nobody knows why it is called that. And that causes me to wonder how extensively he researched. Because I would think that if he actually talked to a few people who spoke with that accent, he would be able to learn about Utah's Dixie region. And I would have thought that if he planned to talk about the characteristics of a particular accent, he would want to hear it spoken.

But maybe that's just me.

Labels

I decided to label my posts in case somebody wants to follow my thoughts on some particular topic or something like that. Yeah, my reasons aren't exactly well-defined at the moment. But, anyway, if you see some sort of topic or theme that I haven't labeled and you think I should, or something isn't given a label you think it needs or is labeled in a way that doesn't fit or you think of a cooler name for one of my labels, feel free to tell me.

A Sad Non-Cycle

I feel like I've been posting a lot of stuff about me, which is not necessarily what I want this blog to be about. I want to examine various subjects, not spend all my time focusing on me. But this is the first thing that I've had any desire to write about for a while.

I've noticed that I draw a lot of my energy and excitement from the people I am with. I am a people person. Yes, I am shy, but I am a people person all the same. I need a lot of human contact. And I have apparently been this way for my whole life- I seem to remember hearing that as soon as I was mobile, I would go to where the people were. And if you put me in a group of people, I rarely get very tired before everybody else has left.

That's all well and good. But I seem to need to feed off of other people's excitement to express any myself. If I walk into a room super excited about something and start to talk about it, I sometimes sound slightly bored about it, even though I'm not. It isn't until someone shows some interest that I really get into the telling of it. And if I try to put some excitement into my voice, it is forced and it sounds that way.

This can be a problem, considering that other people tend to like to listen better and get more involved when the speaker is excited. And since I start off sounding bored, I can't always get someone else to feed my energy so I can show my excitement. So we are both disappointed in the conversation. Which is a rather sad non-cycle to get into.

Rocks and Mountains

One quote from Pride and Prejudice that I have heard many times is "What are men to rocks and mountains?"

Thing is, sometimes to really appreciate those rocks and mountains, you need someone to share it with. And sometimes the proper person is a man.

Pilate

As a child, I always thought that people were a little too hard on Pontius Pilate. After all, he tried to get the people to let him go. And when they insisted, he washed his hands of the whole thing. Then when I was a little older, I learned about his earlier troubles with the Jews and the precariousness of his position as governor, and I sympathized more with him.

Of course, I did also understand that his washing his hands didn't really change his responsibility. And I knew about his wife's dream and warning to him.

But I still don't know that he deserves as much blame as some people give him. He could have done more to let an innocent man go free. But I don't know if he really knew who Christ was- if he'd had a witness of the Spirit. And circumstances did make it difficult for him to really go against what the people wanted. He is one historical figure I am perfectly content to leave unjudged.

If Kim is reading this, I'll bet she has a little more insight in the matter than I do.

My Self

In my last post, I joked that maybe I don't have a sense of self. Well, I've been thinking about that lately, and maybe it's true.

Well, not really. The major example of a person with no sense of self I can think of is Julia Roberts' character in Runaway Bride. She really has no clue of who she is and what she likes. Her personality and interests change completely with each new man in her life.

Well, I do stay somewhat consistent. New people introduce me to new interests. But when I find something I like, I keep liking it. And if I dislike something, I know. And my personality stays about the same, with some variations depending on what life is throwing at me. If something just isn't me, I know it. I just can't tell you why. And when I try to think of what my strengths and weaknesses are, and what type of job I'd be happy in, I come up with nothing. I don't know why I do so many of the things I do. I've thought about that a bit lately, and I remembered that when I took my first psychology classes, I was sort of hoping they could help me understand myself better. But they didn't really.

I wonder if studying Erikson a bit more would help me any. According to him, I should be close to resolving my Identity vs. Role Confusion crisis and starting in on Intimacy vs. Isolation. Which has been a definite source of stress in the past little while...