Random Thoughts

A couple things I thought about at the bus stop this afternoon:

1. I remembered hearing in the news a few years ago that Kobe Bryant's wife gave him permission to sleep with another woman once a year. I also read in Jerry Lewis' memoirs that his wife was fine with him sleeping around as long as he didn't embarrass her. As I see it, that sort of thing is degrading to everybody involved. The wife is basically saying that she doesn't deserve or expect a man who respects and values her and is devoted to her. She is also saying that she thinks her husband is not capable of controlling himself. And the other women... well, it's just degrading.

2. I've heard that when a bone heals after you break it, that is the strongest part of the bone. Also, when you are weight training, you tear apart the muscles and then they regrow stronger than before. I also remembered that in Must Love Dogs (Which I do not recommend seeing. It's been a while since I watched it, but I remember getting the impression that the amount of crassness outweighed its value.) John Cusack's character has this theory that a broken heart grows back with a greater ability to love. And then I thought of Ether 12:27- And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

So I wondered, once again, what it is that the last several months have been trying to teach me and whether and how I have grown. I did contribute a lot to my troubles, but it was a very rough time for me and I think something got broken for a while. So I think that qualifies me to grow back stronger. After all, when you tear down your muscles during weight training, it is something you do to yourself.

Bus Route 850

When I take bus 850, I usually miss my stop. I've gotten off in the right place maybe 3 or 4 times. And I've gotten off in the wrong place at least two or three times as often. I don't know why- I've never had this problem on any other routes.

It is a real problem when I'm headed for work. But when I'm going home, it isn't a big deal. I just make sure I know where I am and what direction I'm going when I do get off the bus and it's pretty easy to find my way home. And it's actually helped me in getting to know Provo better. I don't like to wander far from home when I'm by myself. But if I have a purpose, I don't mind it. So my troubles with route 850 have caused me to walk around where I've never been before. And if it keeps up, I should get a decent mental map of that area of town.

But it is a really good thing that I don't live in some other area where the streets have names instead of numbers and aren't laid out in a grid.

Overcomplimentary?

Sometimes I don't trust compliments.

Two examples from yesterday- I cooked some chicken for a big potluck dinner involving our entire floor, and I gave a talk in church. And a lot of people complimented me on my talk and on my chicken. And almost every time I wondered if they really meant it or were just trying to be nice or polite or something.

People said my talk was good. But I kept thinking, "But I think I got a bit rushed, and I think I repeated myself, and I lost my place and might have skipped over something. And maybe they are just saying that to be nice and reassure me because they could tell that I was nervous."

And the piece of chicken I took seemed a bit dry and overcooked.

So I wonder.

The Experiment Ends

I have now started the process of giving out my blog address. Over the course of my little experiment, from October 2007 through April 2009, five people who were not me have visited this blog.

Living Language

When Mom was pregnant, she would get piles of materials- developing baby magazines, information on baby formula, baby name booklets, and so forth. I have no idea what happened to most of that stuff, but the name booklets stuck around forever. And I frequently pored over them, seeing what the names of all my friends and family meant. Then when I was a young teenager, or maybe just 11 or 12, I picked up one of my parents' gospel books- Gospel Symbolism by Joseph Fielding McConkie. One chapter is titled Names: A Story Within the Story. I think reading that chapter first introduced to me the idea that names actually come from words. For some reason I had never realized that's where the name meanings came from.

From these experiences sprouted two significant interests of mine- name meanings, origins, and trends and general etymology. Mostly English, although other languages can be interesting, too.

I see two general trends with regard to the rules of English. On the one side is the view that there are strict English rules, and we should follow them. The other side sees language as organic and developing. The rules are defined by usage, not the other way around. I tend to fall in line with the second side. Language is definitely not static. New words form. Old words become archaic. Some words change meaning. It all changes depending on the needs of the people, which change over time. And the purpose of language is to communicate. If the old rules of our language make communication more difficult or less beautiful, then they need to change. And if the general population starts to use a word in a different way, let them. It is filling a need. Just so long as when they use it, their meaning is clear. It's happened before. It will happen again. And I think it is a beautiful thing, because that means our language is still living.

Confession

I think it would be fun to make my own religion.

Sometimes it is fun to misinterpret things in completely ridiculous ways. The more ridiculous, the better. And I like to play with ideas. So I actually have come up with a couple doctrines that I would like to work into my theology.

First, I have heard the idea that everybody living currently has some number of molecules in their body that were previously part of the body of any given historical figure. So I imagine in the resurrection, with everyone's bodies restored to perfection, some of the molecules being shared. So that we somehow were sharing bodies. I haven't quite got this one worked through, but it could have some interesting applications with the trinity and the idea of being one with Christ.

I also like the idea that the wicked will burn at the end of the world because of global warming, and that the righteous will be saved because of some mutation we all undergo.

Now I just need to work the two together, and my religion will be off to an interesting start. Although I probably won't. Because I don't think that starting a false religion and recruiting people to it really goes very well with "every member a missionary" and bringing souls to Christ. And it just might harm my chances for exaltation.

Pretend This Title Is Clever And Relevant

I have been pretty frustrated with myself lately.

For a long time, this blog served well as an outlet for me. I could express myself here and send my thoughts out into cyberspace, not really caring if anybody ever read them. But for a while now, I've been wanting to share more. I want to talk to an actual person who is really listening and trying to understand. But I can't quite do it. There have been so many times when I told myself, "Go release some of the pressure that is building up in that head of yours while building stronger connections with these people you like and care about." And then when I am in a position to start talking, I just can't make myself open my mouth. The more I want to, the less I am able to.

Adding to the trouble, somewhere it got into my head that if someone is interested in my thoughts or opinions or activities, they will ask about it. So I don't say much about them because I don't want to bore some uninterested person. But I figure if someone else wants me to know about their thoughts or opinions or activities, they will tell me without me needing to ask. I know that if I make these assumptions, chances are I will have very little actual communication, but there you are.

I've been doing more writing than usual in an effort to release some of the stuff up in my head pressing to come out. I've written down a lot of various things I think and sort of want to say, but never actually do. And I've been posting more on this blog, and I feel like these posts have been longer and not as tightly structured as my earlier ones. I'm not sure how that relates, but I thought I'd throw it in there.

Also, very recently, my desire for anonymity has completely evaporated. On March 22, I couldn't see a point when I'd want to be open about my identity on here. I had up until that point carefully limited potentially identifying information, even avoiding mentioning names of anybody I knew. Then, on April 4, I used my friend Beth's name in a post without thinking about it. When I realized, I thought about editing to change the post, but decided I really didn't care. And this Wednesday, I used my sisters' real names. I did that one on purpose. And then I decided to use my actual name to sign blog posts. Now, I don't care at all about revealing my identity.

This is Marissa J. Howes. And I really want to be open now. But I think I'll need a little help.