The writing process is funny. Sometimes I sit down knowing what I want to say, and it all flows out very smoothly. Sometimes I sit with no idea what I want to say, and somehow something comes out that makes perfect sense. Sometimes I know what I want to say, and it comes out, but in the middle of what I had planned to write are some thoughts I hadn't known I had. But sometimes, I sit down to write, knowing exactly what I want to express, but it just won't come. I sit like a stump for a while, then go for a drink. Sit down again and type out a few lines, only to delete them less than a minute later. Stare at the screen for a while longer. Then eventually I manage to get something written that more or less expresses what I had in mind and decide that has to be good enough.
That last scenario is what happened with my last post. I first had the idea to try writing it over two years ago, but couldn't get it right. Then I decided to try again last Tuesday and spent a week trying to figure out how to go about writing it and how to best express my experiences. And now, what I have will have to be good enough, even though it isn't quite what I wanted it to be.
For this post, however, I decided what to say, sat down, and said it.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Highs and Lows (Mostly Lows)
When I was a kid of about ten years old, I read a memoir written by an autistic woman. I don't think I had even heard of autism at the time, but I found it interesting to read an account of a way of seeing the world and a view of thought processes very different from my own. Since then, I have realized that occasionally I get the chance to see the world in a way that many of you have not experienced. So I thought I'd try to share my experiences with you.
As a diabetic, it is important for me to keep my diet, exercise, and insulin balanced. Of course, this is important for everybody, but the effects tend to show more immediately for me if I mess up. I'm normally pretty good at recognizing the signs when my blood sugar levels get out of control. When they're a bit low, for example, there's this certain sort of shaky feeling. I'm having a hard time thinking of a more precise way to describe it, but I know what it feels like, and that's what matters. You may have felt this yourself. Then, when I've identified the problem, I can fix it- in the case of low blood sugar, I grab something to eat.
But once in a while, I don't manage to fix it right away, and my blood sugar continues to drop until it gets dangerously low- enough to majorly impact my thinking. It doesn't happen very often, especially since I started using a new type of insulin in my late teens. But it has happened often enough for me to tell about it.
When blood sugar drops, the heart starts beating faster so more sugar can go to the brain. When I am seriously low, there is still not enough sugar for the brain to function fully. So all of its resources and all of my attention are dedicated to getting food. If whatever I am doing will help me get some sugar into my bloodstream, in an honest and legal way, then I can manage it. But anything that will not contribute to the goal is disregarded. An illustration- during junior high, I once got really low during biology class. So I wrote a note excusing me to go to the counseling center, where I had some juice stored for this sort of situation, and had the teacher sign it. Later on, one of the secretaries mentioned that when the straw poked through the foil on the top of the juice carton, a drop fell on my leg. She said that I hadn't noticed, but this was not the case. I noticed, but it was irrelevant, so I did not react in any way. I also later looked at the note I had written. The handwriting was a bit different from my usual, and I had used the word "the" twice in a row, but it was legible and sensible. I was a little impressed.
Another thing that impresses me when my blood sugar levels drop is my handling of money. I have been in situations where I have counted my money, looked over the options and prices, and taken taxes into account before making my selection. And I have never chosen something that cost more than I had, even by a few cents. At least, not while my blood sugar was low.
But there is one dining situation that is a bit beyond me- choosing something off a menu. The problem? My script for that situation involves reading the description of every menu item that grabs my attention, and that gives me a bit more information than I can fully process in the situation. But I can't think clearly enough to just go off-script. And remember the part about how as much sugar is rushed to the brain as is possible? Well, that means that less goes to other parts of the body. Including the eyes. So I have a hard time focusing, which means I have a hard time reading. So the more reading I have to do, the harder it is. Related to that, I sometimes have a hard time walking. I can usually do it, but can't go in a straight line. And a couple times, I did have a little trouble balancing for a short while. And apparently I've still got some pride going on in there, because when that happened, I worried that I looked like a drunk.
One strange thing related to severe lows is that sometimes, they seem to fix themselves very suddenly. One minute I'm 100% focused on getting carbs into me. The next, I am aware of things going on outside of my immediate environment and I realize the strangeness of my recent behavior. Some examples of my first thoughts after the retreat of my brain fogginess during high school are, "Seriously? I loaded up on salsa packets?" (Thought process- get sugar, get food, salsa is food) and "I really should have told Sam what was going on" (I already had the food I needed, and explanations take effort. And pride might have had something to do with it as well.).
Now, after all of that, I have one request. If you ever notice me acting way out of it, try offering me some juice or a snack. I might need it.
As a diabetic, it is important for me to keep my diet, exercise, and insulin balanced. Of course, this is important for everybody, but the effects tend to show more immediately for me if I mess up. I'm normally pretty good at recognizing the signs when my blood sugar levels get out of control. When they're a bit low, for example, there's this certain sort of shaky feeling. I'm having a hard time thinking of a more precise way to describe it, but I know what it feels like, and that's what matters. You may have felt this yourself. Then, when I've identified the problem, I can fix it- in the case of low blood sugar, I grab something to eat.
But once in a while, I don't manage to fix it right away, and my blood sugar continues to drop until it gets dangerously low- enough to majorly impact my thinking. It doesn't happen very often, especially since I started using a new type of insulin in my late teens. But it has happened often enough for me to tell about it.
When blood sugar drops, the heart starts beating faster so more sugar can go to the brain. When I am seriously low, there is still not enough sugar for the brain to function fully. So all of its resources and all of my attention are dedicated to getting food. If whatever I am doing will help me get some sugar into my bloodstream, in an honest and legal way, then I can manage it. But anything that will not contribute to the goal is disregarded. An illustration- during junior high, I once got really low during biology class. So I wrote a note excusing me to go to the counseling center, where I had some juice stored for this sort of situation, and had the teacher sign it. Later on, one of the secretaries mentioned that when the straw poked through the foil on the top of the juice carton, a drop fell on my leg. She said that I hadn't noticed, but this was not the case. I noticed, but it was irrelevant, so I did not react in any way. I also later looked at the note I had written. The handwriting was a bit different from my usual, and I had used the word "the" twice in a row, but it was legible and sensible. I was a little impressed.
Another thing that impresses me when my blood sugar levels drop is my handling of money. I have been in situations where I have counted my money, looked over the options and prices, and taken taxes into account before making my selection. And I have never chosen something that cost more than I had, even by a few cents. At least, not while my blood sugar was low.
But there is one dining situation that is a bit beyond me- choosing something off a menu. The problem? My script for that situation involves reading the description of every menu item that grabs my attention, and that gives me a bit more information than I can fully process in the situation. But I can't think clearly enough to just go off-script. And remember the part about how as much sugar is rushed to the brain as is possible? Well, that means that less goes to other parts of the body. Including the eyes. So I have a hard time focusing, which means I have a hard time reading. So the more reading I have to do, the harder it is. Related to that, I sometimes have a hard time walking. I can usually do it, but can't go in a straight line. And a couple times, I did have a little trouble balancing for a short while. And apparently I've still got some pride going on in there, because when that happened, I worried that I looked like a drunk.
One strange thing related to severe lows is that sometimes, they seem to fix themselves very suddenly. One minute I'm 100% focused on getting carbs into me. The next, I am aware of things going on outside of my immediate environment and I realize the strangeness of my recent behavior. Some examples of my first thoughts after the retreat of my brain fogginess during high school are, "Seriously? I loaded up on salsa packets?" (Thought process- get sugar, get food, salsa is food) and "I really should have told Sam what was going on" (I already had the food I needed, and explanations take effort. And pride might have had something to do with it as well.).
Now, after all of that, I have one request. If you ever notice me acting way out of it, try offering me some juice or a snack. I might need it.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Not-So-Icky-Gooey Love Stuff
A couple thoughts:
1. One evening in institute last fall, the class got into one of those "what do you look for in the other sex?" discussions. While this was going on, I was finally able to put into words the conclusion that I have drawn from the many similar panels/discussions I have been present for. And that is that if you live so that you like and respect yourself, there will be someone else out there who will appreciate you for who you are.
2. I've heard it many times before: a woman says that her husband is a better person than she is. And then the husband responds by saying she thinks he is better than he actually is, and that he tries to be a better person to live up to what she thinks he already is. Or maybe it's the husband saying that he married way above himself, and the wife saying that he underestimates how wonderful he really is. And in thinking about this, I remembered that when we were discussing A Separate Peace in 10th grade English, the point came up that since we see Finny only through Gene's eyes, but we see all that Gene is thinking, we really see more of Gene's dark side than we do of Finny's. But Finny also has his dark thoughts; we just don't see them. We get the view of his good side, but not those things he represses. And then I thought about how we can't really judge anybody completely objectively, ourselves or others.
1. One evening in institute last fall, the class got into one of those "what do you look for in the other sex?" discussions. While this was going on, I was finally able to put into words the conclusion that I have drawn from the many similar panels/discussions I have been present for. And that is that if you live so that you like and respect yourself, there will be someone else out there who will appreciate you for who you are.
2. I've heard it many times before: a woman says that her husband is a better person than she is. And then the husband responds by saying she thinks he is better than he actually is, and that he tries to be a better person to live up to what she thinks he already is. Or maybe it's the husband saying that he married way above himself, and the wife saying that he underestimates how wonderful he really is. And in thinking about this, I remembered that when we were discussing A Separate Peace in 10th grade English, the point came up that since we see Finny only through Gene's eyes, but we see all that Gene is thinking, we really see more of Gene's dark side than we do of Finny's. But Finny also has his dark thoughts; we just don't see them. We get the view of his good side, but not those things he represses. And then I thought about how we can't really judge anybody completely objectively, ourselves or others.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Forgettable
I recently moved away from where I'd been living for about two years. When I left, several people made the appropriate noises about how they were sorry to see me go, and I believed them. I said I'd be back to visit occasionally, possible even within the week.
As it turns out, I didn't make it back that quickly. And I didn't make it back the next week, either. I did want to see my friends, but the logistics were a little bit complicated. And as the time went by, my motivation decreased, because nobody said anything about it. So I thought probably nobody really cared.
Something similar happened last fall. I had several friends who I was in the habit of visiting on a daily basis - with their encouragement. Then one day I didn't want to see anyone. So I stayed home. Which would have been fine, but that mood continued on for a week. And during that time, nobody said or did anything. No phone calls, no texts, no facebook messages, no knocks on the door from anybody. When I told myself I needed to get out and see people again, they mentioned having noticed I wasn't around. But I couldn't help but wonder how it was that someone can go from visiting daily, usually for pretty significant chunks of time, to nothing for an entire week, and nobody thought to check if something was wrong. After this, I made it a point to at least drop by somebody's place at least a couple times a week, but not nearly as much as I'd used to. And the decrease was noticed and commented on, and I was told I should come by more. But only when I came by. When I wasn't there, there was no contact.
Now I get on facebook and see various people posting comments and links on other friends' walls, while I get none of that. I used to think that I'd get more social notice if I gave more. But then I started trying. I wrote letters and got no response. I called people, and they never reciprocated. And if I come across something that reminds me of a specific person, I tell them about it or post it to their wall. About half the time, I get a response to what I say. The other half of the time, I get silence. No indication if they liked, hated, or even saw what I said.
But what really bothers me is that I often feel I'm the only person initiating contact. The only times I remember getting anything posted on my wall from someone not in my immediate family and not in response to something I said were on my birthday, inspired I'm sure by the birthday notifications on the side of the screen. Nobody has texted me spontaneously since the day I moved. And I can't even remember the last time a friend called me.
Yes, I do appreciate the welcome I get when I make an effort. But is it too much to ask to be remembered by someone when I'm not standing right in front of their face?
As it turns out, I didn't make it back that quickly. And I didn't make it back the next week, either. I did want to see my friends, but the logistics were a little bit complicated. And as the time went by, my motivation decreased, because nobody said anything about it. So I thought probably nobody really cared.
Something similar happened last fall. I had several friends who I was in the habit of visiting on a daily basis - with their encouragement. Then one day I didn't want to see anyone. So I stayed home. Which would have been fine, but that mood continued on for a week. And during that time, nobody said or did anything. No phone calls, no texts, no facebook messages, no knocks on the door from anybody. When I told myself I needed to get out and see people again, they mentioned having noticed I wasn't around. But I couldn't help but wonder how it was that someone can go from visiting daily, usually for pretty significant chunks of time, to nothing for an entire week, and nobody thought to check if something was wrong. After this, I made it a point to at least drop by somebody's place at least a couple times a week, but not nearly as much as I'd used to. And the decrease was noticed and commented on, and I was told I should come by more. But only when I came by. When I wasn't there, there was no contact.
Now I get on facebook and see various people posting comments and links on other friends' walls, while I get none of that. I used to think that I'd get more social notice if I gave more. But then I started trying. I wrote letters and got no response. I called people, and they never reciprocated. And if I come across something that reminds me of a specific person, I tell them about it or post it to their wall. About half the time, I get a response to what I say. The other half of the time, I get silence. No indication if they liked, hated, or even saw what I said.
But what really bothers me is that I often feel I'm the only person initiating contact. The only times I remember getting anything posted on my wall from someone not in my immediate family and not in response to something I said were on my birthday, inspired I'm sure by the birthday notifications on the side of the screen. Nobody has texted me spontaneously since the day I moved. And I can't even remember the last time a friend called me.
Yes, I do appreciate the welcome I get when I make an effort. But is it too much to ask to be remembered by someone when I'm not standing right in front of their face?
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Eternal Evolution
I've read a lot of books explaining why evolution has brought humans to be the way we are, both behaviorally and anatomically. Why young men take crazy risks and why we have chins. And there are some interesting theories out there. But while I find it interesting to read about evolutionary benefits to the shape and position of our nose, or why our brow ridge got smaller, I always figured that however we got this way, we look the way we do because that is how we are eternally- the whole "Let us create man in our image" thing.
But the other day I started wondering what made people in this form in the eternal realm. As I understand it, we were created by our Father, which places some sort of timeline as to who was created first. So, have people evolved at all, or was the first in form like we are? Or was there even a first? It doesn't make sense for there not to have been, but maybe that's a limitation of my mortal mind.
But the other day I started wondering what made people in this form in the eternal realm. As I understand it, we were created by our Father, which places some sort of timeline as to who was created first. So, have people evolved at all, or was the first in form like we are? Or was there even a first? It doesn't make sense for there not to have been, but maybe that's a limitation of my mortal mind.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
He Sent His Son
Music
This is one of my favorite primary songs. And when I'm singing primary songs to myself, this one usually comes up. It is a pretty great summary of the basic things we should know about Christ's life. And although it can be good to get a bit deeper and deal with complicated issues, you need to return to the basic, simple stuff, too.
How could the Father tell the world
of love and tenderness?
He sent his Son, a newborn babe, with peace and holiness.
How could the Father show the world
the pathway we should go?
He sent his son to walk with men on earth,
that we may know.
How could the Father tell the world of sacrifice, of death?
He sent his Son to die for us and rise with living breath.
What does the Father ask of us?
What do the scriptures say?
Have faith, have hope, live like his Son,
help others on their way.
What does He ask?
Live like his Son.
Mabel Jones Gabbot
This is one of my favorite primary songs. And when I'm singing primary songs to myself, this one usually comes up. It is a pretty great summary of the basic things we should know about Christ's life. And although it can be good to get a bit deeper and deal with complicated issues, you need to return to the basic, simple stuff, too.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
A Pound of Virtues
When I was in junior high, I took a class on infant development or some such thing. One day in this class, we had to watch a video. I don't remember what the main focus of the movie was, but I do remember one thing from it.
It said that every child is born with a pound of virtues. Some are especially beautiful, some are good at numbers, and some have great empathy. But everybody has exactly one pound. I came away from that movie lesson thinking about how exactly you go about measuring the various virtues and wanting to make some sort of game out of it. A create your baby, assign the virtues sort of thing. Which, now that I think of it, sounds sort of like assigning attributes in an RPG.
My major vice is romance novels. I'm a bit embarrassed mentioning it here, but it provides the context for my next observation.
In a few novels I've read, the main characters will see their potential love interest and be immediately ridiculously attracted to him/her. And then, because the other person is so incredibly attractive, they assume that they have no other redeeming qualities. That they must be self-centered and self-serving, and have no desire for anything more than a series of flings. Of course, by the end of the novel, each party realizes that the other person is highly intelligent, altruistic, and shares all their beliefs and values.
I've heard anecdotes about people in real life who assume shy, pretty people are snobs. And maybe somebody has made such an assumption about me- I am shy, and know there are at least a couple people out there who consider me pretty. If they have made those assumptions, I never noticed. That makes one possible benefit of being completely oblivious. But my point is, I don't think I'm a snob. And a lot of these shy, pretty people have turned out to be perfectly nice.
So, back to the pound of virtues. I understand the point they were trying to make- everybody is special. Everybody has their own gifts and talents and weaknesses. Don't get down on yourself because you aren't as pretty as Janie or as athletic as Michael or as smart as Kate. And don't put yourself above Ricky and Megan, because they have their own things to offer.
But I do sort of worry that this approach to it could lead to someone thinking that just because somebody is visibly gifted in a few areas- the highly attractive athlete who sings in the choir and gets straight As in honors classes- they can't have the other, less visible attributes. And that is not at all true.
Yes, one video is not likely to cause somebody to think this if their other experiences teach otherwise. But if they see this video, and see enough popular, attractive kids be thoughtless jerks, maybe that would do it.
It said that every child is born with a pound of virtues. Some are especially beautiful, some are good at numbers, and some have great empathy. But everybody has exactly one pound. I came away from that movie lesson thinking about how exactly you go about measuring the various virtues and wanting to make some sort of game out of it. A create your baby, assign the virtues sort of thing. Which, now that I think of it, sounds sort of like assigning attributes in an RPG.
My major vice is romance novels. I'm a bit embarrassed mentioning it here, but it provides the context for my next observation.
In a few novels I've read, the main characters will see their potential love interest and be immediately ridiculously attracted to him/her. And then, because the other person is so incredibly attractive, they assume that they have no other redeeming qualities. That they must be self-centered and self-serving, and have no desire for anything more than a series of flings. Of course, by the end of the novel, each party realizes that the other person is highly intelligent, altruistic, and shares all their beliefs and values.
I've heard anecdotes about people in real life who assume shy, pretty people are snobs. And maybe somebody has made such an assumption about me- I am shy, and know there are at least a couple people out there who consider me pretty. If they have made those assumptions, I never noticed. That makes one possible benefit of being completely oblivious. But my point is, I don't think I'm a snob. And a lot of these shy, pretty people have turned out to be perfectly nice.
So, back to the pound of virtues. I understand the point they were trying to make- everybody is special. Everybody has their own gifts and talents and weaknesses. Don't get down on yourself because you aren't as pretty as Janie or as athletic as Michael or as smart as Kate. And don't put yourself above Ricky and Megan, because they have their own things to offer.
But I do sort of worry that this approach to it could lead to someone thinking that just because somebody is visibly gifted in a few areas- the highly attractive athlete who sings in the choir and gets straight As in honors classes- they can't have the other, less visible attributes. And that is not at all true.
Yes, one video is not likely to cause somebody to think this if their other experiences teach otherwise. But if they see this video, and see enough popular, attractive kids be thoughtless jerks, maybe that would do it.
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